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Shifty Dick
Date of birth:2246
Occupation:"Practitioner of Scientism"
Status:Resides in Louisiana

Dr. Shifty Dick, MD, PhD, PBR, PB&J, etc. is a man of letters; he is especially fond of "W". He is the only man in the wasteland to possess advanced degrees in Biolism, Humantism, and Futureonics.

Early Life

As a child Shifty (so named for his lazy right eye) picked up a nasty infection while playing in the vile, irradiated swamps his extended clan call home. His cousins Dead-Eye and Cross-Eye took him to The Big Easy to be treated by a doctor. The horrified doctor realized the youth had a staph infection and had contracted sepsis (apparently during one of Dead-Eye's lectures on human reproduction); the boy nearly died, but the doctor managed to save his life. The doctor also noticed that all the kids had various ocular afflictions and mentioned Shifty's amblyopia aloud, Shifty noted this observation with great gravity and sagacity.

Having recovered from his near-death experience, Shifty realized that it was his destiny in life to take up docterin' seeing as how he had more medical knowledge than most of his family put together (and he now knew the word amblyopia, which had more syllables than most words he knew). To hone his new scientological powers he took to trapping and vivisecting animals. He also discovered that drinking copious amounts of alcohol improved his medical knowledge. He impressed his family with his creation of a base-21 numbering system (based on counting his digits and member).

Higher Education

Shifty took his training very seriously and took to collecting books. He couldn't read so he just piled them around his lair, "learnifyin through osmosis," as he well knew that the mere possession of books was sufficient to reap the benefits of the knowledge they contained. Journals of medicine and books written for children were given equal priority, and among his crammed shelves and stacks were both the basest crap ever committed to paper along with classics of literature believed to be lost, perhaps would ever know; certainly not Shifty.

His doctoral thesis was the vivisection of a trespasser performed live before an audience of a Bayou Lurker, a dead gator, and Dead-Eye Dick.